Paleo Diary – Part 1

Dear Paleo Diary,

As a group we decided that our December book club option would be “healthy”.  We had three options to choose from – a gluten-free, sugar-free, dairy-free dessert book – yeah I know…why bother right?  The second was tempting.  It was a book espousing the benefits of the alkaline diet.  I was utterly sold on the health benefits then I read that the book was endorsed by Victoria Beckham.  I refuse to take recipe endorsements from someone who looks like they haven’t eaten in the last 15 years, so, the only choice for me this time round was Paleo

Plus, I have a teeny tiny secret crush on Pete…just try take a deep look into those baby blue eyes and tell me I’m wrong.  Bad move.  You would have had a much better chance to point out that the mouthwateringly super delicious kebab he’s holding is made from beef heart.  Yecchhh…

Come back Posh Spice, all is forgiven.

Then again, he has lovely white teeth too.

So, via a process of reasoning that was basically…I’d rather eat the pages of the book..posh spice…you’re hot…I’m going paleo.  And in the words of those modern-day philosophers George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley

If you’re gonna do it, do it right”

I’m doing this all the way.  Two weeks of paleo meals should be enough for me to judge the book and the diet.  And you know paleo should be easy,  it’s meat and veggies right?.  Which is pretty much what I already eat.  This is going to be great!!!!  I can’t wait…

One Week Ago

Dear Paleo Diary,

You don’t mind of I call you Pete do you?  It makes feel like I’m actually talking to you.  Ok, now I don’t want to sound like some whiny little bitch right from the start but I thought this was supposed to be meat and veggies.

So how come I have just spent a small  fortune buy a ton of stuff, some of which I had never ever heard of?

• Buckwheat
• Linseeds
• Slippery Elm Powder
• Chia Seeds
• Maca Powder
• Pau D’arco  Capsules
• Goji Berries
• Cacao Powder

They refused to sell me the magnesium chloride I needed for the cashew turmeric spread.  They said they sell it as bath salts and they could not condone me eating it.

WTF Pete?  Seriously. What? The? Fuck?

And for the love of hopscotching Jesus:

• Macadamia Nuts
• Almonds
• Cashews
• Pine Nuts
• Pepitas
• Sunflower Seeds

Do you have any idea how much all that is going to cost? And that’s just for the muesli.

If I turn over the next page and you tell me I also need to buy quinoa, I’m going to find you and punch you right in your pearlywhite teeth.

Twice.

Once for the quinoa.  Once for calling your daughter Chilli.  Can we all just get over the foodie people naming their children after ingredients?  They’re children.  Not recipe inspirations.

Bastard.

 Saturday.

Dear Pete,

My shopping bill for the week is DOUBLE what is normally is.  But my seeds and nuts are soaking for my muesli and crackers.

I’m on top of this.

I did buy another book on Paleo because I found your breakfast and work lunch options a little limited.  Also, I looked into making some of your cultured or fermented vegetables.  They take a minimum of two weeks to ferment so that’s not happening.  I have some kimchi in my fridge.  That will have to do.

Getting worried.  How will I survive without my basic food groups – cheese, chocolate and chickpeas?  What about booze?  Is that Paleo?  Surely those cavemen were fermenting something?  And now we come to one of the problems I am having with this Paleo diet thing. Everyone seems to have their own idea of what is and isn’t allowed.

A couple of sites I looked at were kind of ambivalent about alcohol.  They were a little bit like…well, you really shouldn’t but if you feel you must then some choices are more Paleo than others.  Other sites?  Absolutely forbid it.

Same with bacon.

Really, annoyingly same with the buckwheat which is now soaking for my crackers and muesli….

Bastard.

Sunday

Pete, you gobshite,

I already hate this.  And it’s only Day One. Woke up dying for a cup of coffee.

Coffee is another one of those yes / no  / maybe items on Paleo.

I had bought almond milk for my muesli so I was good for the dairy.

Turns out coffee with almond milk and no sugar sucks.  Bye bye coffee, it was fun knowing you.

I put my crackers in the oven, where they needed to cook for 6-8 hours and tootled off to Body Balance class.  BTW – they looked disgusting.  Overnight they had gone all gelatinous and gloopy. See the photo above.

Back from Body Balance and quite hungry.  However, my crackers still have another seven hours to cook and don’t get me started on the muesli.

Breakfast

• A slice of ham
• Half an avocado
• A peach.

The muesli is a hot mess.  Pete, you say to dry the soaked nuts and seeds with paper towel or a dish cloth.  Problem is, the chia has gone all to jelly and sticks to everything Eventually I decide to put the nuts in the oven with the crackers to dry them out,

Lunch

• A slice of ham
• Half an avocado
• A handful of almonds.

3:00pm

The crackers are done and they are awesome.  The muesli ingredients are still wet.  Decision time.  I can cook some Paleo muffins from the other book so I will have something for breakfast  tomorrow.

But then the nuts will need to come out of the oven because they need to cook at 50º.  And the muffins need to cook at a normal temperature.

4:00pm

Nuts out, muffins in. If sounds like some vague sexual innuendo so be it. I’m too hungry to care.

5:00pm.

The muffins are good.  Well they would have been, if I could have tasted them.  I ate the first one so quickly I burnt all my taste buds off.

5:30pm

Have started making the Lamb Harira which will be my lunch for the next few days. Quelle surprise the buckwheat needs to soak overnight and the soup needs to cook for four hours.

NOT. FUCKING. HAPPENING.

The buckwheat is going to soak for considerably less than that.  At which time it will be added to the soup.  According to some websites I shouldn’t even be eating it anyway.  The only reason I’m even bothering with it is that I had to buy it specially so there is no way I’m not using it.

10:00pm

The harira is ready.  It’s a bit more like a stew than a soup, I think the buckwheat sucked up some of the liquid. Tastes pretty damn good though.  Mind you, a wet paper bag would taste good about now.

11:00pm

The m****er f***king muesli is still not dry.

I’m fed up and I’m going to bed.

Best thing I’ve eaten all day was the muffins.  And they came from the other book.

Bastard.  I hate you.  And your baby blue eyes.

PS. They say one the side effects of the Paleo diet is a certain crankiness.  Thank goodness I haven’t experienced anything like that and I am still my sweet and sunny self.

Have a fabulous week.  And eat some cheese and hummus for me!!!

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Two Weeks Ago